Experiences over Stuff: When My Children Teach Me about Simple Living

Every week, my sweet youngest son calls me. 

He lives on the other side of the country from me with his wife, so as he's driving home from work, he calls me, because I am his mother, and a mom wants to know how their boy is doing. He humors me and calls me because I miss him so much, and I'd like to think he misses me, too.

We talk a lot about his work, what else he's doing, how his wife is, what she's doing, and, most recently, I asked him what his wife wanted for her upcoming birthday. He couldn't think of anything, so I told him that was fine, and I'd ask her instead. Surely, she would give me an idea.

His wife is lovely and perfect for him, and she sweetly told me - in complete and utter honesty - that she has everything she wants and sincerely wants for nothing. She has her husband, is doing what she loves from home, and literally wants nothing.

This astounded me. Not because I was hard pressed to give her something (I was), but because how had a soon-to-be 21-year-old become so content and wise?

Apparently, they have figured out the "owning less and living more" thing early on. And in a way, she's teaching me how to live. So, while I don't have to tell her and my son to accumulate less and instead acquire experiences - because that is indeed what they're already doing - it reminded me that not all young people are consumers.

It was refreshing and beautiful. And in simple terms, this is how they're doing it:

They live for each other - My son goes to work, leaving home, and she goes to work from home. She is also so happy to make meals, clean the home, and do the laundry - as well as work - for him as equally as he is happy to work for her. It's this symbiotic beauty where their lives are devoted to each other, and that's the core of their happiness: to serve each other. There's a lot of fulfillment happening there.

Experiencing life, not stuff, for happiness - Their happiness is not derived from things. She'll cook a meal, or they'll occasionally go out for a meal, or spend time talking together, going for walks, playing games, or going to the gym together. The highlight of their day isn't shopping on Amazon or at an outdoor mall. Of course, they buy a few fun things. But, it's on the side of rare when it does happen. Instead, their day's highlight is being together, doing slow-living things like cooking, creating, and laughing. 

Wanting less creates a contentment loop - Starting their marriage appreciating what they already have, and not wanting for excess (they, of course, will want and need some things, like saving up for a new car for her, a house, etc.) has already taught them how to live for the important things in life: family, friends, and simple living. They're not even interested in who the Joneses are, or what they're doing. They're busy being connected and content with each other and living with little, using what God gave them. God can't help but bless that.

My daughter-in-law did tell me, since she loves to bake and cook, that a few small kitchen items would come in handy. So, gratefully, I can get her something she can use (that doesn't inundate their home). But just getting her to tell me what she wanted felt like I was asking for a list of bad habits! They're content with what they have. Right now. As young twenty-somethings.

Isn't that the most amazing place to be? 

After hearing all of this and seeing their lack of desire for "stuff," it only reinforces my minimalist lifestyle. Because I want to be there, too. Their joy is making the simple things of life extraordinarily beautiful and fun. They romanticize the everyday things: that cup of coffee, reading a chapter out of a favorite book, snuggling on the sofa. They've figured life out by focusing on the things that really matter.

They're making magic out of less, and creating a world of happiness that no one - or no thing- can take credit for but themselves. 

Live Simply

May: This is the time of year when a million things happen, whether you like it or not.

My kids are grown and have left the nest, but that doesn't matter. I thought I'd have fewer activities to do, and yet, I'm still busy. I have family and friends' graduations, there are baby showers and weddings to attend, and there are birthday parties and dinner parties to go to.

Even if they're your own party.

I turn fifty this year, and while it's not that big of a deal, what is a big deal is the way I've changed what I want to do. The things of yesterday (like the last decade) don't seem that important. I still love writing, reading, and being involved in the vintage clothing industry, but maybe there are other things I should be doing.

Every day is a gift, and I was soberly reminded of that just a few weeks ago when a good friend of mine's husband passed away in his sleep. He was young and had years more to live. But we don't get a memo to tell us when that day arrives. God simply tells us our time is up and takes the breath from our lungs. That's it. 

We just have to be ready. 

And that's where I want to be from now on. Ready. Am I doing the things that bring value? Am I wasting my time? Do people matter more than things?

I wrote a little more in-depth about this subject as a guest writer on the No Sidebar website, which is a community of minimal-living writers and readers. But I wrote it before my friend's husband passed away, and it truly made me take what I said to heart. With his death and my impending milestone birthday, I'm rethinking what matters.

My wonderful friend just gave me this beautiful mug for my birthday. And it's a great reminder of what my daily goal is: to live simply. By doing that, I can focus on what matters, care for those who really need it, and stop wasting my time with things that will be useless and pointless when I'm gone. 

Live simply, but live fully, my friends. 

Let Go to Get What You Want

Last year, around the middle of the summer, I decided I wanted to downsize my online vintage shop. It had been fifteen years of doing this wonderful work (one that I, quite honestly, wouldn't call work), and I wanted to lessen my inventory. I wanted to minimize my work; to practice what I preached. Have less and be happier.

What would this accomplish? It would mean a little less work for me and a focus in my shop on better-quality items, rather than a bunch of lower-quality items. In essence, quality over quantity. It would mean more time doing more of what I wanted with less time in my shop. And with my husband only a couple of years away from retirement, it would mean perhaps a little more time spent with him and traveling.

But something strange happened. I, the minimalist of all minimalists, instead of editing my shop down to a smaller number, added to it. I couldn't let go, I couldn't do it! Sure, I got rid of a few items that I was sick of seeing in my shop (that hadn't sold), but the rest of it? It was too daunting a task. It felt like too much of an investment that I was just going to throw away. There were far too many decisions to make. So, I kept it mostly the same... and added to it instead.

It astounded me. I failed in the very area I knew how to change.

After the holiday season (the best time in sales for me during this time of year), I hunkered down and basically doubled down on my initial decision to make my shop smaller with fewer but better items. I'm four months into the new year, and I'm still downsizing. But I have gotten things where they need to be, and where I wanted them to be last year. And it all came down to my fear of letting go.

If you're in the same boat (perhaps letting go of things in your closet, or your home), then let me tell you how sympathetic and understanding I am. It really is hard. But here's how you can do it, and do it slowly so it doesn't feel like you're drowning in decisions, which was why I was paralyzed into downsizing.

One section at a time: I have so many categories of items in my store; rather than eliminating everything I didn't want at once, I did it one section at a time. So, for example, I went through my sweaters, kept the ones I wanted, and either eliminated some or put other items on sale so that I would procure some profit from my initial investment. Then, I did the other sections over the course of a few months. The items I eliminated were either donated, given away to friends or family, or even kept for myself. If your closet overwhelms you, do one section at a time. It really takes the pressure off to have it all done now.

Keep what you love: I cannot stress this enough. When I was eliminating items from my online shop, I realized the pieces I was getting rid of were items I didn't even like! So, I was buying these items in the hopes of selling them. And then ended up not selling them. This hurt me and my bottom line. The truth is, if I've bought an item I didn't like, my enthusiasm for the piece is minimal, and I know it shows up (my lack of enthusiasm) in the description of the item. The same applies to you and your closet. Keep only what you love, because, even if you paid for the piece and it sits in your closet, if you don't like it on you, it's only going to stay stuck in your closet. Get rid of what you don't love and instead keep only what you do.

Quality over quantity: Would you believe it if I told you that my sales are even better with fewer items? I'm shocked, even though I knew it would work. It's almost as if the idea of quality over quantity is true. (Ha, of course it is!) But, getting myself mentally in a position to go through with this idea - and not regret that what I've given away was lost revenue - is where the truth of it all lies. You have to let go to get what you truly want. I gave up an "image" of having a successful shop to actually have a successful shop with the values of what I believed in: that less is more. As it applies to your closet or home, keep the best, replace with the best, and invest in quality classic clothing items over mass-produced, inexpensive items (ones that you will have to replace a whole lot sooner). Instead, you will be perpetually in style with a happy wallet.

Sometimes getting to the place we need to be is hard. Even when we know what to do. But don't despair. Take it one section at a time, keep what you love, and choose quality items over quantity. And if you're like me - even if my good intentions took a long time to materialize - you can get what you want, which is a simple, minimal life filled only with the things you love, that make you happy, and that you can use.

The Minimalist Collector

Minimalism and collecting. Is this even possible?

I think about this concept. A lot. Because it's part of what I do for a living. I am a vintage clothing reseller, and I have an online shop on Etsy, where I sell vintage. I've been doing this for years, and it's pretty much an integral part of my life now. I'm in search of "stuff," very specific vintage stuff, mind you, when I source items for my shop, because that's what I need, and that's what sells.

And the things I'm looking for are a bit rarer than the average reseller who sells modern clothing. So, it's easy to get into a collector mindset when the items I'm looking for are more unusual. I want to get the rare, special, and valuable things as do all vintage dealers and collectors.  But this often means my "Maybe I should just hold onto this" turns into, "Look at my new collection!"

Yet, it's all just "stuff," at the end of the day. 

Which is precisely why my minimalist mind shoots daggers at the collecting side of my brain during my shopping. But I also want to have a full, diverse, interesting life. Collections create joy, if you will. It's why people collect, after all. It's a way to say, "I find this important, so I want to treasure hunt for this for as long as possible." There's a happiness aspect of it that's addictive. A huge amount of dopamine is released when a treasure hunter finds something that they're looking for.

And while I sell vintage, I also love, wear, and collect it. It will always be a part of my life, from what I wear to the vintage kitchenware I eat out of, and to my furniture and decor. 

But I'm a minimalist, too. So, how does this work? How can it work? 

It works for several reasons, but I'm going to warn you from the start. It requires saying "no" a lot and saying "yes" selectively. I said it was possible, but it wouldn't be easy. Here's what I do as both a collector and a minimalist.

Fewer Better Collections: This is one of the hardest things I had to do when confronted with the reality that I had too much stuff. Collections of toys, dinnerware, belts, books, mugs... You name it, I probably had a variation of some collection of it. That's what happens when you start collecting as a teenager! And don't get me wrong... so much joy has come of it. But ten years ago, I realized continuing my collections wasn't sustainable. Meaning, who would move all of this when I retired? What will I do with it if I move? Store it just to collect dust? I knew something (a lot, actually) had to change when I became a minimalist and I got rid of most of the collections, except a choice few. Those few still bring me great joy, and I'm okay with having a small space dedicated to those few collections, rather than an overflowing house of half-hearted collections.

Make It Usable: Have a utilitarian collection? You might want to hold on to it. That's the measure I used to decide what to keep and what to give away (or sell). I collect vintage Pyrex, but I also use it every day. Can I use all of it at once? No, of course not. But I absolutely rotate through the pieces, using what I can, as often as I can. Another thing I love to collect is vintage mugs. I know that's a big no-no in the minimalist world, and I've downsized that to as few as I can, but I still have a good half dozen mugs I adore and enjoy my coffee out of every morning. They bring me joy, too. Here's the takeaway: both collections are usable. If you have a usable collection, maybe it's a keeper. Is it a dust collector? Perhaps that's one you might want to eliminate.

Be Ready to Give it Away: How do you know if you have a collection or if a collection has you? Very simply, ask yourself this: How easy would it be for me to give it away if someone asked for a part of it? Over the years, this has been an exercise I try to live out. If someone loves a mug I have, I can easily give it away (I'll find another). If someone loves a pattern of my Pyrex, then maybe it needs to be theirs, not mine? Out of my abundance, I can give. And no doubt, it always gets replaced by more. There's a reason God talks a lot about giving in the Bible. It brings joy to others, it brings joy to ourselves, and it keeps our hearts off of "stuff" and onto more important things. And the bonus is that when you give, you will receive back. It never fails because that's God's law: Give, and it will be given to you (Luke 6:38).

I will always be fighting the urge to keep and collect. It's in me forever, and I'm surrounded by things I love because I've made it my work. But that doesn't mean I need to collect everything. There's a time and place for everything, and for me, when I became a minimalist, I knew I'd have to pare down the collections and let others enjoy my accumulated excess.

I do believe you can be both a minimalist and a collector, but you have to be an intentional collector to allow both sides to coexist peacefully.

You Can Have it All (If You're Willing to Wait)

The other day, I saw this wonderful quote. It said: "Don't buy the $300 bag to have nothing in it. Buy the $20 bag and have $280 to go in it."

I love this quote for so many reasons. Probably because it defies the consumeristic voice that surrounds us. This is the choice to have less, to spend less, and to not have to be "on trend."

Given my involvement in the vintage clothing industry (I sell vintage clothing online), I realize that while this quote is true, there is a way to get around it -- a way to have it all.

The truth is, you can have that $300 bag for only $20. You can have both...you just have to be willing to wait for it. I buy and resell (and wear) a lot of vintage clothing and accessories. And trust me, there are very expensive handbags out there for a fraction of the price. I see them all the time.

If you're trendy, this won't work for you. But, if you're into classics, if you're into quality, if you're into having less but having better, my friend, you can have the $300 bag for $20, but it will cost you time instead of money. 

And that is where most people fail. Waiting. You have to deny yourself instant gratification to have it all later. You have to search and look for that piece you want at estate sales, garage sales, thrift stores, or Facebook Marketplace. You do the work of looking now, and then it's a time game until it shows up. I know this from experience. Things I bought and sold fifteen years ago can rarely show up again in another ten years. Other items are a dime a dozen, and I've sold many repeats.

But this is also where the value of the piece lies. Waiting for it, and looking for it, because the reward is great when you do find it.

Here are a few reasons to buy vintage:

1. Quality - It's all about the bottom line in the textiles and manufacturing industry today, so the cheaper the item can be made, the better the profit. Gone are the days of making something to last. Most things you buy today are meant to last a season or two. This is also why I tend to buy and sell vintage USA-made only items. The quality, a mere twenty years ago (let alone fifty), is like night and day. So, by holding out and waiting to find that vintage bag for $20, you're truly getting a bag that's not only worth a whole lot more, but is going to last you ten times longer than any new $20 fake leather bag from Target. 

2. Uniqueness - Why be like everyone else? With vintage, I can guarantee you'll have trouble finding anyone near you with the same item. You will stand out. That bag on your shoulder will be a quality piece that most ladies around you won't have. And that you paid a fraction of the cost of it, well, that's just icing on the vintage cake!

3. Sustainability - Have you been in a thrift store lately? If you haven't, I suggest you do. And try not to cry while in there because it can be overwhelming. There are so many clothes, so many new clothes still with tags on them, stuffed in the racks. And most of the items, after a short life in the thrift store, will end up overseas or in a landfill. By buying gently used items, quality, classic items - items you couldn't even think about buying today for pennies on the dollar because they don't make clothing the same anymore - you're helping to keep one more piece out of the landfill. You're being responsible, wise, protecting the earth, and saving yourself money.

Your money or your time? Pick one. Have the bag you want now for the money (and an empty wallet), or wait for the bag for a whole lot less and get quality, uniqueness, and sustainability with it. There's no question the second choice is the one for me, which is probably why I'm so happy in the vintage industry.

If you want to buy that $300 bag now, fine. That's up to you. It's different for everyone. But, if you're feeling a bit squeamish about spending that money, then don't. Try a different route: hunt for it, wait for it, and then spend less for it.

You can have it all (if you're willing to wait.) And guess what? Here's a little bonus to take away today: This motto works for nearly every area of your life. Why go broke looking rich now, with immediate gratification, when with a little time and patience, you can have it all?